be 18 y/o, last year of hs
>in shitty relationship with shitty gf
>mid November start dropping hints about something happening on Christmas
>she suspects nothing, is really excited, probably thinks I'm gonna propose or some romantic bullshit
>1 month later she's dying with anticipation
>Christmas day rolls around
>drive to her house
> she's standing out front, smiling super wide, with her hands behind her back
>I pull into the driveway
>instead of slowing my vehicle I continue my acceleration into her closed garage door and watch the smile slide off her face like a greased potato
>here's the setup
>in the confusion, I produce a small letter opener from my pants pocket and cut a small incision in the top of my forehead, almost painless, but blood immediately begins to pour down my face
>she runs to the car
"OH MY GOD ANON ARE YOU OK OH MY GOD"
>lying facedown on the steering wheel
>after a few moments, I begin spastically shaking and breathing irregularly
>drank 3 liters of mountain dew immediately before this, so vomiting comes easily as I shake up the contents of my stomach
>she's crying at this point, there is a guitar and a heart shaped box of chocolates in the back, she probably assumes I've broken my spine
>she's screaming, I'm screaming, I'm bleeding and vomiting all over her and the garage floor, I attempt to shit my pants
>after this goes on for about 20 seconds, cease all movement and remove myself from her grasp
>"w-what?"
>produce the heart box from the back of the car
>hand it to her, my expression completely blank
>she opens it, countless emotions playing on her face
>inside is a laminated picture of my penis on a keychain
>"I'm breaking up with you. It's not me, its you" I say as I reenter my car
>she sobs as I pull out of the wrecked garage, dragging metal and debris over her driveway
>park on the driveway, exit the car, produce my 3/4ths erect penis and ejaculate in the shape of a smiley face onto her trash can
>laugh
:)
